Hard Conversations With Aging Parents

We’re all gonna die.

Sorry/not sorry. It’s true. It’s life’s only guarantee. And as much as your aging parents might be trying to avoid it, we should all be preparing for that inevitability.

In an ideal world, your parents will have been proactive in thinking about and preparing for aging and the end of life.  They’ll have wills and estate plans and advanced directives and plans for what happens when they can’t live independently.  They will have thought about what happens to their body after they die and how they want to be remembered and honored. They will have the cost of their wishes covered and will provide you all relevant information well in advance. You’ll know exactly how to find their file of passwords and contacts to start the processes they have already put in place.

But it is NOT a perfect world. And many parents are well versed in the practice of avoiding emotional topics and difficult conversations. Maybe they have a plan. Maybe they have their documents in order. But what they definitely don’t have is a desire to face their own mortality and talk about money and dying with their children. And the only thing they are comfortable communicating clearly is that you can mind your own business.

That feels good for everyone at first, as it usually does when you try to avoid the unavoidable. But no amount of ignoring or distracting or wishing away can keep the questions around your parents aging and end of life plans from needing to be answered. If you keep waiting for your parents to be the ones to bring it up or allow them to avoid the conversations, the emotional, mental and financial burden will be passed on to you.  You will be making decisions for them without their input or helping them through a crisis that could have been avoided with facing a hard conversation head on.

This is one of those hard things in life. Made harder when you are used to looking to your parents for guidance and they aren’t in a place to lead. It’s a sign of the shifting in the relationship and a reminder that the relationship can still be strong even as it looks different.

Use the strategies to help the conversations around aging and dying be a source of connection with your parents, instead of the thing that pushes you a part.

Start Early

I get it. You only have so much time with your parents– the last thing you want to do is spend that time talking about heavy things like death and dying.  And they are private people – their money and their health has always been their business, not yours. So you wait for them to tell you what their plans are when they are ready.

And then years pass and they haven’t brought it up. They begin to show signs that they are losing independence or are unsafe in their home. You have no idea what their plans are. What they can afford. What they want. When you bring it up they brush it off or get angry and accuse you of rushing their death.  Suddenly you feel a sense of urgency to make sure documents are in place before they lose the capacity to advocate for themselves. They are feeling rushed and aren’t cooperating. You literally do not know what to do.

Too often, this is the story. Families wait until a crisis has occurred or a decision HAS to be made before having hard conversations. Those decisions are then made in an emotional & rushed state between people who have not practiced having difficult conversations with one another. There’s no sense of confidence in the ultimate decision. 

On the contrary, when you start early you have a plan in place when the crisis hits. When you start early you can have thoughtful conversations rooted in curiosity and reflection instead of panic. Instead of making a decision NOW for the self, you can explore future hypothetical situations from a place of emotional and physical safety. You can allow a slower pace and help your parents feel as comfortable as possible when thinking about something so uncomfortable. Ultimately, when you have to face difficult decisions, you can do so with the confidence that it is an informed decision.

Process Over Outcome

This isn’t just about getting your parents to sign some forms so you don’t have to deal with any headaches when they pass or because it is what you are “supposed” to do.

This is an opportunity to connect with your parents. To get to know them. To understand their values and their wishes.  To not just know which boxes they are checking them, but why they are checking them. 

It’s strengthening the skill of having hard conversations with each other. It’s helping your parents reduce their avoidance and get support. There will be many more difficult decisions and hard conversations in the future. Starting early and often gives your relationship the foundation and each of you the skills to more easily navigate them. 

Because you started early, you don’t have to focus so much on getting specific questions answered. Especially at first. You want to get your parents reflecting and communicating. But they both might not happen at the same time. And it might take a while. But the process itself– asking thoughtful questions, making space to hear them, being curious about what’s important– that itself is the work. There’s progress even when you don’t get to check a box. 

Ask broad questions about values. Fears. Wishes. Ask about experiences they have with death and dying. With aging. When someone dies or a funeral happens ask what they thought of it— liked/didn’t like. Use current events or news articles to talk about concepts like hospice, assisted living, caregiving, etc. Mention your own wishes or thoughts. Make it comfortable to talk with you about death.

Get It On Paper

Ultimately, you do want to get things written down if possible. You may be able to do right by your parents and honor their wishes now that you;ve spent so much time understanding them. But there are legal limitations (protections) in place that require more than your word. Encourage your parents to finalize documents and revisit them as needed. 

Listen for statements of clarity or decisiveness in your conversations and when you hear that certainty encourage them to formalize it. It may make sense to set a meeting or more formal time to sit down and work through documents together.  Maybe they want to get everything done at once. Maybe they need to take things one document at a time. If you have the time, let them pick the pace. 

Focus on paperwork as a source of empowerment vs restriction. It can feel like one is signing their life away when they write a will or medical plan. Reinforce that instead of taking away anything, these actions are how they can ensure their wishes are heard. This is how they decide who gets their money. These documents give them a voice when they can no longer speak or the state has determined that they aren’t competent to make their own decisions.

Manage Your Expectations

If your parents have never been open and honest about emotional or financial things in the past, it’s unlikely they are going to engage enthusiastically or make you feel comfortable when you start these conversations.  It might take a few times…or a few dozen. You start early so that you can plant seeds that have time to blossom. You don’t see the fruit right away.

It is also possible that no matter how kind and thoughtful you are, they never engage. They might shut down completely. They may be unwilling to answer your questions. They might not complete the paperwork they need or make the safety changes you want to their home.  They might put themselves at risk and do things you wish they wouldn’t do.

And you need to know that is not your responsibility or your fault. All of this is their responsibility. As it is yours to prepare for your own end of life.  It is not your responsibility to save them from themselves or protect them from the consequences of their own decisions and actions.   You cannot force them. You cannot control them. And you can’t make them do anything they don’t want to do.

If you think of it as a responsibility, you’ll be tempted to spend what precious little time you have with them trying to convince them to sign a piece of paper instead of making new positive memories with them. Try and recognize when you are doing mental/emotional work “for them” that they are not asking for. Is it something you can let go of, too?

Be kind to yourself and don’t think of it as a “fail” if you can’t get them to do what you think they should do.

Be Kind & Compassionate

You might be thinking about logistics and checkboxes. But your parents are thinking about mortality. Independence. Suffering. Loneliness. Planning and preparing for the end of life involves thinking a lot about scary things that are suddenly very real and very possible. It is natural for the brain to shut down when faced with these questions. For anxiety to cause an emotional override and make it hard to think and talk about. Your kindness, patience and understanding creates a sense of safety that makes it easier to think clearly. When you are feeling frustrated with a lack of progress or a feeling of stuckness, remember that it isn’t because they are stubborn. It’s because they are scared. Use that insight to guide how you respond to them.

It doesn’t always feel compassionate to set a boundary or to state a harsh reality. But sometimes that’s exactly what someone needs to be able to move toward acceptance or to make a necessary change. You can be loving and firm. You can care and say “no”. If your parents are ignoring the realities of financial limitations, geographic constrains, changing physical abilities, etc. it is OK to tell them something they don’t want to hear. Helping them sit with the truth is more compassionate than ignoring their needs.

Make Space for Yourself

You are going to have your own feelings come up throughout this process. Many will mirror your parents feelings and many will be different. You may have different opinions than them on what they should do or you may wish that they chose different people to represent them. You are there not to make sure they do what you want, but to help them identify what they want and help advocate for them with those wishes in mind.

Do as much reflecting and processing as you can when you are not around them. Use time away to talk to others, journal, identify your own needs and boundaries, and generally make time to honor the feelings you are having. Aim to keep your feelings in check when talking with them. Identify those things that are necessary to communicate— like your boundaries or safety issues —- but generally focus your time on hearing them.

There is no amount of avoidance that will take away the need to have these conversations. But if you use these strategies, those conversations will be easier and more fruitful than you could have imagined.